"Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. " ~ Dr Seuss, Oh! The Places You'll Go.
That's right, I am changing direction again. I have been saying that every couple of months the past couple of years.
When I graduated college, I panicked. It's like I have been sitting in one spot for the past couple of years, afraid to take a step in any direction, for fear that everything will fall out from under me. It is, despite my best efforts to stop it.
Riding horses is not the direction my life is going to take, but at one time, I thought it might be, so I had to try it out. It was a definite fail, and all that is left for me to do now is pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I don't entirely know where I am going, but I do know that now I need to focus on supporting Kiley. It is time to act like a mom, not a little dreamer.
It's an ego blow. I have spent the past couple of months feeling like I was hit in the face by a mack truck. I'll be okay, though. I am a survivor and a damn good mom. I just wish I hadn't made half the choices I have made since she's been alive... I wish I had stayed with my mom after she was born, gone to OSU....I would have saved so much money. I wish I would have just stayed at DSW up to this point. I would have been making more money, had more people who would give me a positive reference...
But those weren't my choices at the time because I was young and I "knew better." I'm trying not to beat myself up, though. I was young and I became a mom before I meant to. I am tired of struggling, though. So tired. I am ready to start working my way up in a company of some sort, any sort. I am ready to build a life for Kiley, to pay back my student loans...
I want to be a midwife and a researcher now. How's that for a 180? When I told people that was what I wanted, the general response was, well...yeah! Why did that not occur to me earlier?
So goes life, I suppose.... It's been a journey, the whole learning to appreciate the ride thing. I wouldn't trade it. This just might be where I am supposed to be so I don't have to be here again.
