Finding my path

 It seems like I job hop. I have job hopped. But at the heart, the reasoning isn't as simple as simply being fickle. It would be much simpler if that were reality. The truth is that I am trying to find my place. I want to work at a nonprofit with adolescents. That is my niche. I would get better pay from the state, probably. Better benefits, maybe. But I prefer non profit, and if things stay the way currently are, my student loans will be forgiven in 10 yrs. 

Mount Carmel taught me a lot, but I was just a cog in the wheel. My boss thought it was fine to yell at me in the hallway and treat me like an idiot because I didn't know answers right off the bat or I didn't research everything. I finally had enough and said I needed to work days rather than nights, knowing that I would be done. So she basically told me I wasn't needed, which is what I expected. I can't learn that way. I'm not an emotional punching bag. I'm glad I'm done. I got a job several days later at Buckeye Ranch, a mental health facility for 9-17 year olds. It's non profit and my supervisor wants to grow it. 

I also am moving Piper to a barn with trails and a track. They have a program called Rising Stars which kids help take care of horses to work off poor choices. I'm immersing myself in that world and I am learning a lot. I think this is what I am supposed to do. 

I used to think my calling was to help bring babies into this world but now I think it is to help those not brought into the world under the best circumstances. To help them through horses or through making sure their basic health needs are provided for. To help them feel like they matter enough. To prevent them from becoming homeless to going to prison. 

It feels good finding my path. 

I am good enough

I have been at Netcare since October and so much has changed. I have gotten far more comfortable being a nurse and making nursing calls. I enjoy helping people withdraw, helping those experiencing psychosis, human trafficking victims, and others. I plan on staying there possibly forever, so I have really found my home.

I am going contingent after May 24. I want more experience on the Medical side of things. I want to be more well rounded. With covid, Netcare shut down to the public. We are essentially only serving people from the hospital and Mobile Crisis. I have been incredibly bored this past month, as we have had 4 clients at most during that time. 2-3 nurses. It has been torture. I have had to learn to deal with various personalities. I am learning how to be assertive when necessary in a way that is professional and kind.

I spent way too long thinking I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't competent. But I passed nursing school with flying colors. I did the thing. I passed my NCLEX with 75 questions. I AM nursing. I AM a good nurse. My coworkers tell me so all the time. I notice things; I can tell if someone has a high blood pressure because they are high or because they are nervous. I can connect with them and explain things to them so it makes sense. I have the bedside manner thing in the bag.

I am starting at Mt Carmel St Ann's the 26th as a cardiac progressive care unit nurse. Moments have passed where I didn't feel good enough, but I certainly am. Ultimately, when I remain teachable, I can do whatever I set my mind to. Looking forward to this next adventure, and it is calming to know that Michelle Obama wondered too if she was good enough.

She is and so am I.

I also thought I wouldn't be any good at this, but look at me, killing it!