......and life happens

I have had people question how I do it all.

Of course my first thought is, do I? I mean, I feel like I am constantly failing at EVERYTHING. The self doubt is crushing, and it's never been like this before. And then a nurse tells me I know my stuff and my self doubt goes away, momentarily.

It won't always be like this. I'm told nursing school is just HARD, and add in a kid and a marriage and there are all kinds of extra angles, but nursing school should really be my WHOLE life. It sure takes up my whole life. I also honestly believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that teachers make all the difference.

This past session was awful. It was like I was in a constant nightmare. I will have different instructors, and I have heard good things at least about the lecturer. Another option is that I will go to a different school, one that's not accelerated and will get me my ADN and then I can complete my BSN online. I am taking the summer off to figure it out, to reconnect with my and my child again. I'm working 3-4 days per week which is just what I need. The other days are days to be a mom, which I was missing desperately.

I got a job at OSU as well at the Wexner Medical Center and I'm a sitter/student nurse associate. I enjoy it so far, but I'm looking to be trained on the floors because I am overwhelmingly bored already, three weeks into it.

When I got this job, I just could not imagine leaving Children's so I haven't. I also do not think I will. Maybe ever. It has not cleared up my confusion over what I would really like to do just yet. If anything, it has made it worse. One thing is for sure: I don't ever want to do med surg, although I am sure I will in some capacity for at least a while in order to gain experience and become a better nurse.

I'll get there, but right now it just appears like there is really no end in sight. I have to remind myself to JUST KEEP SWIMMING daily.

My pony is going down to Midway for a while...possible several years so that I can focus on finishing school and having more babies. That is another stressor- we are having trouble getting pregnant and it is likely that we will need a doctor's help to do so. The comments are brutal. "You already have a baby." "Are you sure you want a mini Tim?" So? And YES, absolutely.

I just feel like I have been caught in a tidal wave for a good long while. :-/ Just treading my way out.

The end goal and my daily progression towards it

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. Most days, there is so much to do I can't see straight. You see the bags under my eyes?

What keeps me going-- my tunnel vision. My end goal. My end goal is to work in one of the best hospitals in the world with one of the best staffing in the world: Nationwide Children's Hospital. I already work there, in transport. But I want to nurse there, and I want to develop programs there, give professional advice there, and grow there. That's the end goal.

But for now I have to study Fluid and Electrolytes. So I break it down. That's what I have to do today. Go over ABGs, and metabolic and respiratory acidosis and alkalosis. That is how I get to the end goal, by doing what I need to do today, by being here, now. I'm not at the end right now. Right now, I am actually near the beginning. I have to put in the footwork. 

Today I applied for tuition assistance at Children's. Another piece of the footwork.

What makes a man?

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post about how the masculinity is lacking because men are not around to teach it.

Funny, almost everyone I know who does not fit into the box of "type A masculinity" not only had a father around, but had many masculine men around. You know the type A masculinity-- the kind of guy who mows the lawn every Saturday, watched football every Sunday, sits around and drinks beer while their wives do the dishes.

The difference is that in this generation, we can be who we are and it's okay.

The difference is that men are allowed to have feelings. Men can cry and rather than being chastised for it, they are comforted.

They are mentally healthy.

When they are not mentally healthy, they are able to get help for it and feel no shame.

Psychology has brought us far. It tells us that repressing who people are creates more problems than it helps.

It tells us that child development has many layers and variances. Most of it ought not be repressed, but guided.

Gentleness really does raise better children.

I have nothing against manly men. If my sons happen to be all about football and sports bars and foosball tables, I will gladly support that, but here is what I will not support:

"Men" who attempt to tell other men that they are not doing it right.
"Men" who attempt to degrade and belittle others who do it differently.
"Men" who attempt to beat "manliness" into their sons and impress upon them that there is only one right way to do it.

See, one thing I will not tolerate is intolerance. I'm not sorry for that. I won't try to convince you to see my side. I will, however, insist that you not try to tell my children that YOUR way is the only way. I emphasize that with my daughter every day. If you try to do so anyway, I will cut you off.

See, I spent much of my adult life thinking I had to tolerate all kinds of adults from all walks of life. I don't. I do not have to tolerate poor, belligerent behavior. I do not have to tolerate adults who act like oversteroidal orangutans when I suggest that mayhaps the way they do it is not the only way.

Because see, I take no issue with the way you are. What I take issue with is when you insist that the way you are is the way everybody ought to be. You can't even deny how short sided that is.

FYI:
Everybody is not a Christian.
Everybody cannot change a tire.
Everybody cannot grow a beard.
Some guys LIKE skinny jeans.
Sometimes man buns look damn good.
Some people care more about the mental health of others than about some book written 2000 years ago when the general consensus was that the earth was flat.

There you have it.