The past 2.5 years

Found this blurb from 2017:
So....I missed NCH so much I decided to go on full time. OSU has been a great learning experience, but it doesn't even begin to compare to what I find at Children's, and that is that my coworkers feel like family.

I was there until January, at which time I started at the Ohio Department of Youth Services as a nurse. I truly enjoyed it there, enjoyed the youth, etc. They were in there for felonious crimes and ranged in age from 13 to 20. My job was to keep them healthy and assess them after fights. Also, to help them with therapies. I truly enjoyed it, and then I thought I would find a job that worked better with my schedule. I started at Bella Care Hospice in late July.

Hospice is for some people; ultimately, it is not for me. I appreciate the excitement that was at CJCF (Circleville Juvenile Correctional Facility). Bella also stopped training me after a month or so. Any attempt to ask for help was met with, "I'm too busy," other than when asking other nurses, who really were overextended. I was constantly told by facility staff that the families were upset because they had not been hearing from the company, and concerns were not being attended to.

The other nurses were absolutely fantastic, as were those in the front. They did what they could to help me, but ultimately, due to management being "too busy" to help me get better, and my ultimately not being meant for hospice, I was essentially forced to resign. I was relieved, ultimately. I knew I didn't really want to do hospice about a month before it happened, but thought I would ride it out. They helped me make what was ultimately a really good decision.

So, 3 days later I was offered a job at Netcare Access. It is a mental health care facility on the west side of Columbus, and it takes people without insurance (or with) who are having a mental health crisis. They then try to find resources for them to help them regain their lives. I started last week. I love the atmosphere, the other nurses, their mission.

Children's was great. I will forever be grateful for how they helped me develop. I don't know that it would have worked long term because I get so attached. I wound up becoming a PCA on the respiratory NICU. It was actually a long term NICU for preemies who had developed lung problems as a result of their mechanical ventilation. I mostly hung out with toddlers with trachs. Sometimes, I fed and changed and did vitals on babies. We got them around 36 weeks gestation, most were born between 22-28 weeks. I got attached. One of my little guys died of cancer, some of them went home (yay for them!!), and some of them stayed....and stayed....and stayed with setback after setback. It was exhausting. I gave 100% of myself, came home, and had nothing left for my family. But I loved every moment of it.

In March, we got 3 of my sister in law's children. An 8 year old, an 18 month old, and a 4 month old. The younger 2 we connected with instantaneously. The 8 year old was more difficult, but ultimately we DID connect. The behaviors were ultimately too much, and dangerous for the little ones. There were also several developmental delays. She went into foster care the beginning of this month, and her 3 year old brother went with her due to some of his behaviors.

Their oldest brother, who is 13 is in a mental institution due to mental health issues making him a concern to the general population. The 12 year old is with my father in law, where the 13 yr old and 3 yr old were initially, and she is doing great. She plays football, soccer, basketball, and is involved in school clubs. We still have the now 2 year old and the almost 1 year old. Mom plans on signing her rights to them over. We are so grateful for that, because Tim and I tried for years to have babies and here they are. I just didn't give birth to them, but I could not love them more.

Also, in January, after I had graduated from nursing school (in December) and passed my NCLEX, I gifted myself a new pony! Her name is Piper and she is a saddlebred. I am doing endurance with her and I got her for free!! She certainly is not free to take care of, though. Right now we are figuring each other out and it is so fun. She is a blast, definitely different from horses I have ridden before. She is a rockstar!! Here she is:

I gave Kandi to Kiley in July. They adore each other. 😊

......and life happens

I have had people question how I do it all.

Of course my first thought is, do I? I mean, I feel like I am constantly failing at EVERYTHING. The self doubt is crushing, and it's never been like this before. And then a nurse tells me I know my stuff and my self doubt goes away, momentarily.

It won't always be like this. I'm told nursing school is just HARD, and add in a kid and a marriage and there are all kinds of extra angles, but nursing school should really be my WHOLE life. It sure takes up my whole life. I also honestly believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that teachers make all the difference.

This past session was awful. It was like I was in a constant nightmare. I will have different instructors, and I have heard good things at least about the lecturer. Another option is that I will go to a different school, one that's not accelerated and will get me my ADN and then I can complete my BSN online. I am taking the summer off to figure it out, to reconnect with my and my child again. I'm working 3-4 days per week which is just what I need. The other days are days to be a mom, which I was missing desperately.

I got a job at OSU as well at the Wexner Medical Center and I'm a sitter/student nurse associate. I enjoy it so far, but I'm looking to be trained on the floors because I am overwhelmingly bored already, three weeks into it.

When I got this job, I just could not imagine leaving Children's so I haven't. I also do not think I will. Maybe ever. It has not cleared up my confusion over what I would really like to do just yet. If anything, it has made it worse. One thing is for sure: I don't ever want to do med surg, although I am sure I will in some capacity for at least a while in order to gain experience and become a better nurse.

I'll get there, but right now it just appears like there is really no end in sight. I have to remind myself to JUST KEEP SWIMMING daily.

My pony is going down to Midway for a while...possible several years so that I can focus on finishing school and having more babies. That is another stressor- we are having trouble getting pregnant and it is likely that we will need a doctor's help to do so. The comments are brutal. "You already have a baby." "Are you sure you want a mini Tim?" So? And YES, absolutely.

I just feel like I have been caught in a tidal wave for a good long while. :-/ Just treading my way out.

The end goal and my daily progression towards it

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. Most days, there is so much to do I can't see straight. You see the bags under my eyes?

What keeps me going-- my tunnel vision. My end goal. My end goal is to work in one of the best hospitals in the world with one of the best staffing in the world: Nationwide Children's Hospital. I already work there, in transport. But I want to nurse there, and I want to develop programs there, give professional advice there, and grow there. That's the end goal.

But for now I have to study Fluid and Electrolytes. So I break it down. That's what I have to do today. Go over ABGs, and metabolic and respiratory acidosis and alkalosis. That is how I get to the end goal, by doing what I need to do today, by being here, now. I'm not at the end right now. Right now, I am actually near the beginning. I have to put in the footwork. 

Today I applied for tuition assistance at Children's. Another piece of the footwork.

What makes a man?

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post about how the masculinity is lacking because men are not around to teach it.

Funny, almost everyone I know who does not fit into the box of "type A masculinity" not only had a father around, but had many masculine men around. You know the type A masculinity-- the kind of guy who mows the lawn every Saturday, watched football every Sunday, sits around and drinks beer while their wives do the dishes.

The difference is that in this generation, we can be who we are and it's okay.

The difference is that men are allowed to have feelings. Men can cry and rather than being chastised for it, they are comforted.

They are mentally healthy.

When they are not mentally healthy, they are able to get help for it and feel no shame.

Psychology has brought us far. It tells us that repressing who people are creates more problems than it helps.

It tells us that child development has many layers and variances. Most of it ought not be repressed, but guided.

Gentleness really does raise better children.

I have nothing against manly men. If my sons happen to be all about football and sports bars and foosball tables, I will gladly support that, but here is what I will not support:

"Men" who attempt to tell other men that they are not doing it right.
"Men" who attempt to degrade and belittle others who do it differently.
"Men" who attempt to beat "manliness" into their sons and impress upon them that there is only one right way to do it.

See, one thing I will not tolerate is intolerance. I'm not sorry for that. I won't try to convince you to see my side. I will, however, insist that you not try to tell my children that YOUR way is the only way. I emphasize that with my daughter every day. If you try to do so anyway, I will cut you off.

See, I spent much of my adult life thinking I had to tolerate all kinds of adults from all walks of life. I don't. I do not have to tolerate poor, belligerent behavior. I do not have to tolerate adults who act like oversteroidal orangutans when I suggest that mayhaps the way they do it is not the only way.

Because see, I take no issue with the way you are. What I take issue with is when you insist that the way you are is the way everybody ought to be. You can't even deny how short sided that is.

FYI:
Everybody is not a Christian.
Everybody cannot change a tire.
Everybody cannot grow a beard.
Some guys LIKE skinny jeans.
Sometimes man buns look damn good.
Some people care more about the mental health of others than about some book written 2000 years ago when the general consensus was that the earth was flat.

There you have it.

Nursing School

In 2013 I decided a nurse was what I wanted to be. It's been a very long road...and I'm still not there yet, but the light is finally at the end of the tunnel.

1 year and 8 months left! Getting here has taken so long. It's been trying at times. It still is. I'm not the mother I want to be right now, or the wife.

Oh yeah, I got married. August 23, 2014 I married Tim. He is a corrections officer now and I work for Nationwide Children's Hospital. I LOVE it. There is no life I would rather have.

Oh, and we are looking at houses!

I started at Lakeland Community College in Kirtland, OH. I fully intended to finish there, and then Tim applied for the state. Pickaway Correctional Institution, where Tim's dad worked for 22 years, called him and offered him the job, so we moved home...with my mom.

We had to wait for 4 months for him to start, meanwhile I started back at Columbus State, expecting to have to wait another YEAR to start than I had initially waited.

Then, one windy day there were tables set up outside at CSCC. The wind was blowing all the paper all over the place and a table that said, Chamberlain College of Nursing caught my eye. I walked over there, not consciously, almost as though I was being drawn. I spoke to the admissions lady, and expressed an interest (that I didn't even know I had). She called me later that day and we set up an appointment.

A few days later, I met with her. The school was everything I had dreamed of and more. I was in love. I was hooked. Also, I could do a work/study at Children's! So, I applied, took the HESI the next week (94%!), and was admitted a week after that.

My first semester I had a 4.0. I was confident. The first half of the second semester, I had a C, a C+, and failed a class. I retook that class and got a B. My confidence is not what it was, but it is adjusted. I'm learning. I'm working hard. I'm going to do this thing.

I started my work/study in March. I started applying for various positions, thinking it would take up to a year to get hired. I had an interview in May for Patient Transport, as well as a couple of other positions. I was hired in Transport at the end of May, and started the end of June. I LOVE IT THERE!

I have different goals now. Tim and I want to foster and adopt children, having seen abused children and the results. They often go into the state, just to be abused more. We want to help as many children as we can to not face that.

I want to be an NAS nurse (Narcotics Abstinence Syndrome), which is a specialized NICU nurse. I'm working towards that right now. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Kiley is having trouble focusing, and she has received referrals to an opthamologist and a neuropsychologist to figure out what is going on. I'm excited to get it figured out.

I'll try to keep up with this page. It's been therapeutic.

Measuring struggle

There is something going around lately that really bothers me. There is a consensus that those of us who were able to breastfeed, who were able to cloth diaper, etc. are pretentious, that we "just don't understand" the plight of those who were unable, and thus, that we have not struggled.

Let me tell you a thing or two about the past 3.5 years.

When my child was born, her dad was a pill addict. I was under the impression that he was recovering. I was 21, and I hadn't the foggiest idea what that looked like. Not enough struggle for you?

When Kiley and I first started breastfeeding, she had an immensely shallow latch, and ripped off about half of my nipples. But I pushed through, because that was what was best for MY child. I didn't enjoy nursing until she was 7 weeks. You didn't push through? Wonderful. We all make our choices, but that doesn't mean you get to demonize ME because I made it work. I am going to celebrate that.

Ever had a 102* fever and a two week old, whose dad is off trailing drugs instead of being with us? I have. Mastitis is also QUITE painful for your breast. Yet I kept at it. And I won't apologize or keep that to myself so that YOU will feel better. Nope. I am quite proud of that fact.

Ever heard of cluster feeding? Kiley was a champion at that, and it made getting anything else done IMPOSSIBLE. But I kept at it, because it was what was best for MY child. She would eat for an hour or more at a time, multiple times a day. And I still nursed because I am a fucking badass.

Kiley didn't learn to walk until she was 15 months. When she started to walk, she dragged her left leg. She was fine, but her doctor had me totally freaked out. There is nothing scarier than believing something could be wrong with your child, that it could be something YOU did.

She has always been ahead mentally, and a little behind physically. I am the same way. I did attachment parenting with her, and I think this has a lot to do with it, and yes, I breastfed. MDs are doing studies all the time linking cognitive aptitude with having breastfed. Your child was formula fed and is soooo smart, too? Wonderful. It's like the warning about McDonald's. It raises your CHANCES for having a heart attack. It doesn't mean that you WILL have a heart attack when you eat there.

Also, I added formula at 6 months, and only nursed in the morning and night from 10 months on. Avid breastfeeders advised me NOT to do that over and over....But after 6 months, I couldn't get anything, other than, like, an ounce when I pumped.

I used cloth diapers, because economically and environmentally, they are SO much better. Also, would you like paper on YOUR butt all the time? Not me! Give me cloth anyday! And honestly, it wasn't a whole heck of a lot of work. It added, like, 10 minutes of work per day. I can sacrifice 10 minutes per day.

I also had a natural childbirth- i.e. no pain meds. I was also on pitocin, because, well, I'm a badass. Again, not going to apologize. The research I did told me that was best for MY child, minus the pitocin, but that's a whole other story entirely.

Also, her birth father? Tells me the fact that I have received less and less child support less frequently is "not his problem" and that I "have her calling another guy, dad" and that she didn't really know who he is, so he doesn't need to call her. Then, she asked me if it was him every time the phone rang for 2 months at just over 2 years old. Yeah, my heart broke!
 
I don't think I am MORE of a mother, or a woman, for doing these things, but these things sure as hell add to that. I try to do what is best for my child at every turn. THAT is what makes me a mother. Your story is different? Wonderful. That adds to the spice of life, and we need that. Just don't demonize me, or tell me that I don't understand. I will never understand your particular struggle, but I sure as shit understand struggle involved in modern parenting.

If you insist on putting us in different categories, do it. Fine. I don't need the negativity, but I do need support. I'll just find it elsewhere. I don't have time to convince anyone. This is purely to vent.

Chaos

Hard to believe it has been 6 months since I posted anything! I guess this blog may become an exploration of the new job, nursing school, and the first year of marriage.

I have decided to go into nursing. My focus will most likely be neonatal, although I may do some midwifery and OB nursing, once I specialize. I will definitely also get my lactation consultant certificate, and will become a Nurse Practitioner as soon as I am able-- in one form or another. My goal is also to teach college, specifically, future nurses. I want to encourage nurses who think outside the box, think critically- ones who are not machines, as I feel nursing has become, and the proof lies with the way I was treated during Kiley's birth.

I just finished my STNA training, and that class helped me to see this is truly the field where I belong! I love the location, too. The pay won't be the best I could have gotten, but the environment and the hours were what really drew me to it!


That was my STNA class. :) Could not have asked for a better one! I love the industry- I love the people, and what they try to do for people, the good ones anyway, the ones for whom health, not convenience, is the primary concern. 

I will be starting at Governor's Village here in the next few weeks. I look forward to helping people live as well as they can the last few years of their lives in Assisted Living. I also started the prerequisites for nursing school at Lakeland Community College, so I am fully immersed in this world. It feels right.

Kiley is 3.5 and every bit of 3. She says funny new things daily. Love her heart! She asked me the other day who is going to hang out with her while I work! She also asked me if she can help with the baby when I have another one. She also tries to help me cook and clean. Such a big helper! I could not have asked for a better child. 

I am looking forward to see what our future holds!