Finding my path

 It seems like I job hop. I have job hopped. But at the heart, the reasoning isn't as simple as simply being fickle. It would be much simpler if that were reality. The truth is that I am trying to find my place. I want to work at a nonprofit with adolescents. That is my niche. I would get better pay from the state, probably. Better benefits, maybe. But I prefer non profit, and if things stay the way currently are, my student loans will be forgiven in 10 yrs. 

Mount Carmel taught me a lot, but I was just a cog in the wheel. My boss thought it was fine to yell at me in the hallway and treat me like an idiot because I didn't know answers right off the bat or I didn't research everything. I finally had enough and said I needed to work days rather than nights, knowing that I would be done. So she basically told me I wasn't needed, which is what I expected. I can't learn that way. I'm not an emotional punching bag. I'm glad I'm done. I got a job several days later at Buckeye Ranch, a mental health facility for 9-17 year olds. It's non profit and my supervisor wants to grow it. 

I also am moving Piper to a barn with trails and a track. They have a program called Rising Stars which kids help take care of horses to work off poor choices. I'm immersing myself in that world and I am learning a lot. I think this is what I am supposed to do. 

I used to think my calling was to help bring babies into this world but now I think it is to help those not brought into the world under the best circumstances. To help them through horses or through making sure their basic health needs are provided for. To help them feel like they matter enough. To prevent them from becoming homeless to going to prison. 

It feels good finding my path. 

I am good enough

I have been at Netcare since October and so much has changed. I have gotten far more comfortable being a nurse and making nursing calls. I enjoy helping people withdraw, helping those experiencing psychosis, human trafficking victims, and others. I plan on staying there possibly forever, so I have really found my home.

I am going contingent after May 24. I want more experience on the Medical side of things. I want to be more well rounded. With covid, Netcare shut down to the public. We are essentially only serving people from the hospital and Mobile Crisis. I have been incredibly bored this past month, as we have had 4 clients at most during that time. 2-3 nurses. It has been torture. I have had to learn to deal with various personalities. I am learning how to be assertive when necessary in a way that is professional and kind.

I spent way too long thinking I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't competent. But I passed nursing school with flying colors. I did the thing. I passed my NCLEX with 75 questions. I AM nursing. I AM a good nurse. My coworkers tell me so all the time. I notice things; I can tell if someone has a high blood pressure because they are high or because they are nervous. I can connect with them and explain things to them so it makes sense. I have the bedside manner thing in the bag.

I am starting at Mt Carmel St Ann's the 26th as a cardiac progressive care unit nurse. Moments have passed where I didn't feel good enough, but I certainly am. Ultimately, when I remain teachable, I can do whatever I set my mind to. Looking forward to this next adventure, and it is calming to know that Michelle Obama wondered too if she was good enough.

She is and so am I.

I also thought I wouldn't be any good at this, but look at me, killing it!

The past 2.5 years

Found this blurb from 2017:
So....I missed NCH so much I decided to go on full time. OSU has been a great learning experience, but it doesn't even begin to compare to what I find at Children's, and that is that my coworkers feel like family.

I was there until January, at which time I started at the Ohio Department of Youth Services as a nurse. I truly enjoyed it there, enjoyed the youth, etc. They were in there for felonious crimes and ranged in age from 13 to 20. My job was to keep them healthy and assess them after fights. Also, to help them with therapies. I truly enjoyed it, and then I thought I would find a job that worked better with my schedule. I started at Bella Care Hospice in late July.

Hospice is for some people; ultimately, it is not for me. I appreciate the excitement that was at CJCF (Circleville Juvenile Correctional Facility). Bella also stopped training me after a month or so. Any attempt to ask for help was met with, "I'm too busy," other than when asking other nurses, who really were overextended. I was constantly told by facility staff that the families were upset because they had not been hearing from the company, and concerns were not being attended to.

The other nurses were absolutely fantastic, as were those in the front. They did what they could to help me, but ultimately, due to management being "too busy" to help me get better, and my ultimately not being meant for hospice, I was essentially forced to resign. I was relieved, ultimately. I knew I didn't really want to do hospice about a month before it happened, but thought I would ride it out. They helped me make what was ultimately a really good decision.

So, 3 days later I was offered a job at Netcare Access. It is a mental health care facility on the west side of Columbus, and it takes people without insurance (or with) who are having a mental health crisis. They then try to find resources for them to help them regain their lives. I started last week. I love the atmosphere, the other nurses, their mission.

Children's was great. I will forever be grateful for how they helped me develop. I don't know that it would have worked long term because I get so attached. I wound up becoming a PCA on the respiratory NICU. It was actually a long term NICU for preemies who had developed lung problems as a result of their mechanical ventilation. I mostly hung out with toddlers with trachs. Sometimes, I fed and changed and did vitals on babies. We got them around 36 weeks gestation, most were born between 22-28 weeks. I got attached. One of my little guys died of cancer, some of them went home (yay for them!!), and some of them stayed....and stayed....and stayed with setback after setback. It was exhausting. I gave 100% of myself, came home, and had nothing left for my family. But I loved every moment of it.

In March, we got 3 of my sister in law's children. An 8 year old, an 18 month old, and a 4 month old. The younger 2 we connected with instantaneously. The 8 year old was more difficult, but ultimately we DID connect. The behaviors were ultimately too much, and dangerous for the little ones. There were also several developmental delays. She went into foster care the beginning of this month, and her 3 year old brother went with her due to some of his behaviors.

Their oldest brother, who is 13 is in a mental institution due to mental health issues making him a concern to the general population. The 12 year old is with my father in law, where the 13 yr old and 3 yr old were initially, and she is doing great. She plays football, soccer, basketball, and is involved in school clubs. We still have the now 2 year old and the almost 1 year old. Mom plans on signing her rights to them over. We are so grateful for that, because Tim and I tried for years to have babies and here they are. I just didn't give birth to them, but I could not love them more.

Also, in January, after I had graduated from nursing school (in December) and passed my NCLEX, I gifted myself a new pony! Her name is Piper and she is a saddlebred. I am doing endurance with her and I got her for free!! She certainly is not free to take care of, though. Right now we are figuring each other out and it is so fun. She is a blast, definitely different from horses I have ridden before. She is a rockstar!! Here she is:

I gave Kandi to Kiley in July. They adore each other. 😊

......and life happens

I have had people question how I do it all.

Of course my first thought is, do I? I mean, I feel like I am constantly failing at EVERYTHING. The self doubt is crushing, and it's never been like this before. And then a nurse tells me I know my stuff and my self doubt goes away, momentarily.

It won't always be like this. I'm told nursing school is just HARD, and add in a kid and a marriage and there are all kinds of extra angles, but nursing school should really be my WHOLE life. It sure takes up my whole life. I also honestly believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that teachers make all the difference.

This past session was awful. It was like I was in a constant nightmare. I will have different instructors, and I have heard good things at least about the lecturer. Another option is that I will go to a different school, one that's not accelerated and will get me my ADN and then I can complete my BSN online. I am taking the summer off to figure it out, to reconnect with my and my child again. I'm working 3-4 days per week which is just what I need. The other days are days to be a mom, which I was missing desperately.

I got a job at OSU as well at the Wexner Medical Center and I'm a sitter/student nurse associate. I enjoy it so far, but I'm looking to be trained on the floors because I am overwhelmingly bored already, three weeks into it.

When I got this job, I just could not imagine leaving Children's so I haven't. I also do not think I will. Maybe ever. It has not cleared up my confusion over what I would really like to do just yet. If anything, it has made it worse. One thing is for sure: I don't ever want to do med surg, although I am sure I will in some capacity for at least a while in order to gain experience and become a better nurse.

I'll get there, but right now it just appears like there is really no end in sight. I have to remind myself to JUST KEEP SWIMMING daily.

My pony is going down to Midway for a while...possible several years so that I can focus on finishing school and having more babies. That is another stressor- we are having trouble getting pregnant and it is likely that we will need a doctor's help to do so. The comments are brutal. "You already have a baby." "Are you sure you want a mini Tim?" So? And YES, absolutely.

I just feel like I have been caught in a tidal wave for a good long while. :-/ Just treading my way out.

The end goal and my daily progression towards it

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. Most days, there is so much to do I can't see straight. You see the bags under my eyes?

What keeps me going-- my tunnel vision. My end goal. My end goal is to work in one of the best hospitals in the world with one of the best staffing in the world: Nationwide Children's Hospital. I already work there, in transport. But I want to nurse there, and I want to develop programs there, give professional advice there, and grow there. That's the end goal.

But for now I have to study Fluid and Electrolytes. So I break it down. That's what I have to do today. Go over ABGs, and metabolic and respiratory acidosis and alkalosis. That is how I get to the end goal, by doing what I need to do today, by being here, now. I'm not at the end right now. Right now, I am actually near the beginning. I have to put in the footwork. 

Today I applied for tuition assistance at Children's. Another piece of the footwork.

What makes a man?

Matt Walsh recently wrote a blog post about how the masculinity is lacking because men are not around to teach it.

Funny, almost everyone I know who does not fit into the box of "type A masculinity" not only had a father around, but had many masculine men around. You know the type A masculinity-- the kind of guy who mows the lawn every Saturday, watched football every Sunday, sits around and drinks beer while their wives do the dishes.

The difference is that in this generation, we can be who we are and it's okay.

The difference is that men are allowed to have feelings. Men can cry and rather than being chastised for it, they are comforted.

They are mentally healthy.

When they are not mentally healthy, they are able to get help for it and feel no shame.

Psychology has brought us far. It tells us that repressing who people are creates more problems than it helps.

It tells us that child development has many layers and variances. Most of it ought not be repressed, but guided.

Gentleness really does raise better children.

I have nothing against manly men. If my sons happen to be all about football and sports bars and foosball tables, I will gladly support that, but here is what I will not support:

"Men" who attempt to tell other men that they are not doing it right.
"Men" who attempt to degrade and belittle others who do it differently.
"Men" who attempt to beat "manliness" into their sons and impress upon them that there is only one right way to do it.

See, one thing I will not tolerate is intolerance. I'm not sorry for that. I won't try to convince you to see my side. I will, however, insist that you not try to tell my children that YOUR way is the only way. I emphasize that with my daughter every day. If you try to do so anyway, I will cut you off.

See, I spent much of my adult life thinking I had to tolerate all kinds of adults from all walks of life. I don't. I do not have to tolerate poor, belligerent behavior. I do not have to tolerate adults who act like oversteroidal orangutans when I suggest that mayhaps the way they do it is not the only way.

Because see, I take no issue with the way you are. What I take issue with is when you insist that the way you are is the way everybody ought to be. You can't even deny how short sided that is.

FYI:
Everybody is not a Christian.
Everybody cannot change a tire.
Everybody cannot grow a beard.
Some guys LIKE skinny jeans.
Sometimes man buns look damn good.
Some people care more about the mental health of others than about some book written 2000 years ago when the general consensus was that the earth was flat.

There you have it.

Nursing School

In 2013 I decided a nurse was what I wanted to be. It's been a very long road...and I'm still not there yet, but the light is finally at the end of the tunnel.

1 year and 8 months left! Getting here has taken so long. It's been trying at times. It still is. I'm not the mother I want to be right now, or the wife.

Oh yeah, I got married. August 23, 2014 I married Tim. He is a corrections officer now and I work for Nationwide Children's Hospital. I LOVE it. There is no life I would rather have.

Oh, and we are looking at houses!

I started at Lakeland Community College in Kirtland, OH. I fully intended to finish there, and then Tim applied for the state. Pickaway Correctional Institution, where Tim's dad worked for 22 years, called him and offered him the job, so we moved home...with my mom.

We had to wait for 4 months for him to start, meanwhile I started back at Columbus State, expecting to have to wait another YEAR to start than I had initially waited.

Then, one windy day there were tables set up outside at CSCC. The wind was blowing all the paper all over the place and a table that said, Chamberlain College of Nursing caught my eye. I walked over there, not consciously, almost as though I was being drawn. I spoke to the admissions lady, and expressed an interest (that I didn't even know I had). She called me later that day and we set up an appointment.

A few days later, I met with her. The school was everything I had dreamed of and more. I was in love. I was hooked. Also, I could do a work/study at Children's! So, I applied, took the HESI the next week (94%!), and was admitted a week after that.

My first semester I had a 4.0. I was confident. The first half of the second semester, I had a C, a C+, and failed a class. I retook that class and got a B. My confidence is not what it was, but it is adjusted. I'm learning. I'm working hard. I'm going to do this thing.

I started my work/study in March. I started applying for various positions, thinking it would take up to a year to get hired. I had an interview in May for Patient Transport, as well as a couple of other positions. I was hired in Transport at the end of May, and started the end of June. I LOVE IT THERE!

I have different goals now. Tim and I want to foster and adopt children, having seen abused children and the results. They often go into the state, just to be abused more. We want to help as many children as we can to not face that.

I want to be an NAS nurse (Narcotics Abstinence Syndrome), which is a specialized NICU nurse. I'm working towards that right now. I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Kiley is having trouble focusing, and she has received referrals to an opthamologist and a neuropsychologist to figure out what is going on. I'm excited to get it figured out.

I'll try to keep up with this page. It's been therapeutic.

Measuring struggle

There is something going around lately that really bothers me. There is a consensus that those of us who were able to breastfeed, who were able to cloth diaper, etc. are pretentious, that we "just don't understand" the plight of those who were unable, and thus, that we have not struggled.

Let me tell you a thing or two about the past 3.5 years.

When my child was born, her dad was a pill addict. I was under the impression that he was recovering. I was 21, and I hadn't the foggiest idea what that looked like. Not enough struggle for you?

When Kiley and I first started breastfeeding, she had an immensely shallow latch, and ripped off about half of my nipples. But I pushed through, because that was what was best for MY child. I didn't enjoy nursing until she was 7 weeks. You didn't push through? Wonderful. We all make our choices, but that doesn't mean you get to demonize ME because I made it work. I am going to celebrate that.

Ever had a 102* fever and a two week old, whose dad is off trailing drugs instead of being with us? I have. Mastitis is also QUITE painful for your breast. Yet I kept at it. And I won't apologize or keep that to myself so that YOU will feel better. Nope. I am quite proud of that fact.

Ever heard of cluster feeding? Kiley was a champion at that, and it made getting anything else done IMPOSSIBLE. But I kept at it, because it was what was best for MY child. She would eat for an hour or more at a time, multiple times a day. And I still nursed because I am a fucking badass.

Kiley didn't learn to walk until she was 15 months. When she started to walk, she dragged her left leg. She was fine, but her doctor had me totally freaked out. There is nothing scarier than believing something could be wrong with your child, that it could be something YOU did.

She has always been ahead mentally, and a little behind physically. I am the same way. I did attachment parenting with her, and I think this has a lot to do with it, and yes, I breastfed. MDs are doing studies all the time linking cognitive aptitude with having breastfed. Your child was formula fed and is soooo smart, too? Wonderful. It's like the warning about McDonald's. It raises your CHANCES for having a heart attack. It doesn't mean that you WILL have a heart attack when you eat there.

Also, I added formula at 6 months, and only nursed in the morning and night from 10 months on. Avid breastfeeders advised me NOT to do that over and over....But after 6 months, I couldn't get anything, other than, like, an ounce when I pumped.

I used cloth diapers, because economically and environmentally, they are SO much better. Also, would you like paper on YOUR butt all the time? Not me! Give me cloth anyday! And honestly, it wasn't a whole heck of a lot of work. It added, like, 10 minutes of work per day. I can sacrifice 10 minutes per day.

I also had a natural childbirth- i.e. no pain meds. I was also on pitocin, because, well, I'm a badass. Again, not going to apologize. The research I did told me that was best for MY child, minus the pitocin, but that's a whole other story entirely.

Also, her birth father? Tells me the fact that I have received less and less child support less frequently is "not his problem" and that I "have her calling another guy, dad" and that she didn't really know who he is, so he doesn't need to call her. Then, she asked me if it was him every time the phone rang for 2 months at just over 2 years old. Yeah, my heart broke!
 
I don't think I am MORE of a mother, or a woman, for doing these things, but these things sure as hell add to that. I try to do what is best for my child at every turn. THAT is what makes me a mother. Your story is different? Wonderful. That adds to the spice of life, and we need that. Just don't demonize me, or tell me that I don't understand. I will never understand your particular struggle, but I sure as shit understand struggle involved in modern parenting.

If you insist on putting us in different categories, do it. Fine. I don't need the negativity, but I do need support. I'll just find it elsewhere. I don't have time to convince anyone. This is purely to vent.

Chaos

Hard to believe it has been 6 months since I posted anything! I guess this blog may become an exploration of the new job, nursing school, and the first year of marriage.

I have decided to go into nursing. My focus will most likely be neonatal, although I may do some midwifery and OB nursing, once I specialize. I will definitely also get my lactation consultant certificate, and will become a Nurse Practitioner as soon as I am able-- in one form or another. My goal is also to teach college, specifically, future nurses. I want to encourage nurses who think outside the box, think critically- ones who are not machines, as I feel nursing has become, and the proof lies with the way I was treated during Kiley's birth.

I just finished my STNA training, and that class helped me to see this is truly the field where I belong! I love the location, too. The pay won't be the best I could have gotten, but the environment and the hours were what really drew me to it!


That was my STNA class. :) Could not have asked for a better one! I love the industry- I love the people, and what they try to do for people, the good ones anyway, the ones for whom health, not convenience, is the primary concern. 

I will be starting at Governor's Village here in the next few weeks. I look forward to helping people live as well as they can the last few years of their lives in Assisted Living. I also started the prerequisites for nursing school at Lakeland Community College, so I am fully immersed in this world. It feels right.

Kiley is 3.5 and every bit of 3. She says funny new things daily. Love her heart! She asked me the other day who is going to hang out with her while I work! She also asked me if she can help with the baby when I have another one. She also tries to help me cook and clean. Such a big helper! I could not have asked for a better child. 

I am looking forward to see what our future holds!

The Waiting Game

It feels like that is all I have been playing for the last year. No, not for a form of transportation as Dr Seuss suggests. Not literally. But I have been waiting to find that destination, the one thing that might make me sit still. Perhaps I have been exercising geographical cures, although not purposefully. I think now it is time to settle down. The people who love me are tired of me wandering about wondering where I belong. I can't say I blame them, especially since I have a 3 year old. I just wish they might exercise more patience with me.

I learn by doing. It is the way I have always been. I hope it is not how I will always be, but I am 24. Don't I get a break at this age? Do people normally react well to the way you treat me, as though I was a hamster needing to turn the other direction on this wheel?

At the moment, I think I may want to go into nursing, although I suppose that might be up for debate. I just don't think I was made for this silly business stuff. I have tried and failed. Isn't that what I always say, though? When does this crap end? Is it because I am young? Or because I just simply cannot make up my mind?

So, I have launched onto a course of vigorous action. I got a job, which I start on September 9. It is a part time restaurant job, but the hours may allow me to search my options with nursing. I met with a nurse midwife who suggested I shadow a midwife or two.. However, now neonatal nursing or ob nursing sounds fun, as does becoming a lactation consultant.

Lord, please send me the answer....

Change of direction, again...

"Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. " ~ Dr Seuss, Oh! The Places You'll Go.

That's right, I am changing direction again. I have been saying that every couple of months the past couple of years. 

When I graduated college, I panicked. It's like I have been sitting in one spot for the past couple of years, afraid to take a step in any direction, for fear that everything will fall out from under me. It is, despite my best efforts to stop it. 

Riding horses is not the direction my life is going to take, but at one time, I thought it might be, so I had to try it out. It was a definite fail, and all that is left for me to do now is pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I don't entirely know where I am going, but I do know that now I need to focus on supporting Kiley. It is time to act like a mom, not a little dreamer. 

It's an ego blow. I have spent the past couple of months feeling like I was hit in the face by a mack truck. I'll be okay, though. I am a survivor and a damn good mom. I just wish I hadn't made half the choices I have made since she's been alive... I wish I had stayed with my mom after she was born, gone to OSU....I would have saved so much money. I wish I would have just stayed at DSW up to this point. I would have been making more money, had more people who would give me a positive reference...

But those weren't my choices at the time because I was young and I "knew better." I'm trying not to beat myself up, though. I was young and I became a mom before I meant to. I am tired of struggling, though. So tired. I am ready to start working my way up in a company of some sort, any sort. I am ready to build a life for Kiley, to pay back my student loans...

I want to be a midwife and a researcher now. How's that for a 180? When I told people that was what I wanted, the general response was, well...yeah! Why did that not occur to me earlier?

So goes life, I suppose.... It's been a journey, the whole learning to appreciate the ride thing. I wouldn't trade it. This just might be where I am supposed to be so I don't have to be here again.

Oh, the places you'll go!

Since December, I have made a decision. That decision is not to continue at the University of Findlay. There are a multitude of reasons, but the biggest reason is that I have found my purpose. That was, after all, what that adventure was about, wasn't it?

How did I come to that conclusion? Well, first and foremost, back in December, I was offered a job. It's my dream job. It does not pay much, but it's what I want to be doing, at least for now. I will be managing a barn in Johnstown, OH and also, apprenticing under the trainer there. Also, it's in a discipline that I just did not think I would be involved in. Dressage. I used to have dreams of riding cow horses and reiners, running across the arena to a sliding stop, spinning, running around barrels and poles... 

But that's just not what I want to do, mainly because of the direction the western industry has taken over the past decade. I won't go too deeply into that, but the kind of horse they expect in that industry is a very specific type, and if the horse is not that type, they will put all these gadgets on it to MAKE it that type, resulting in a lot of joint and muscular issues. 

In dressage, they aren't necessarily looking for a specific type of horse, mainly just a horse who moves forward and into the bit and can do the prescribed exercises for their level. In the upper levels, certain types of horses are a little more suitable, but that's just the nature. 

So, end of April/beginning of May, I will be moving to Johnstown to the apartment above the barn, and will be managing the facility. I will also be apprenticing under Renee, who is a remarkable trainer, rider, and all around horse woman. Kiley and Tim will be moving there with me, then Tim and I are planning to start our own little family!

Another reason I am choosing not to continue at Findlay is that the business office has been next to impossible to deal with. Also, the program is going to hell next year.

I will also be working a waitressing (or something similar) job several hours a week to help me pay back loans. I will also be volunteering at CHOICE for several hours a week to start to work towards becoming a doula. That process will probably start sometime next year.

So, here lately, I have been working with this mare, Minnie at Findlay. For weeks, I felt like a total failure. Then, instruction changed, and we have actually worked well together for the past few weeks. This whole suppling a dressage horse thing is a foreign concept to me. In western it's mechanically different and SO much simpler. We are getting there, though. Thursday, she was absolutely amazing. Hopefully, real progress will start to be made, now. 

Why I have been successful, and how my definition of success has changed

My life is not the mainstream picture of success. At the moment, I am a single mother on welfare (which I am totally trying to get off of). I have a horse and two dogs (who were all acquired before I went on welfare). I am a student. I have a full plate. I often feel like I am failing, because I am 23, have a child, and no money. But I am successful.

You see, mainstream society considers "successful" to be someone who has a house, a dog, a two car garage, can go on vacations a couple of times a year, and whose car has all the newest features. I do, too- don't get me wrong. And sometimes, I long to be so mainstream "successful."

I am successful, in matters of the heart, you see, and spiritually. I constantly seek a relationship with God, not perfectly by any means, but the effort says a lot. I am a successful mother, because I care about Kiley's welfare, and I do what I can to make sure she turns out okay. Sometimes, I am too tired to do what I think I should do for her, but amazingly, she keeps growing and developing. Isn't that the basic measure of success by how we measure ourselves- whether our children are being raised to leave the world better than they found it? Or, if we do not have children, if we personally are trying to do the same.

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I would love to live a life based on self- sustainability, to give back to the earth, rather than engaging in the consumerism that everyone seems to hate so much, but no one seems willing to change. That is not a knock on the way others choose to live, at least not an intentional one, it is only a explanation for why I would like to live that way. I cannot right now, however, as the apartment where I am living would not allow for it. What I mean by that is solar or wind energy, growing my own fruits and vegetables, raising my own meat, milk, and cheese. Anything I cannot grow, I would like to buy at Farmer's Markets. I don't know that I could make my own clothes, but I would probably shop for clothing locally. This moving to self- sustainability would certainly be a long process, and one I would have to research thoroughly.

"You never let me do anything!"

Monday night, Kiley asked me to take a bath with her. Not wanting to miss this moment with her, I said okay. We spent about a half hour in the tub. When I was ready to get out of the tub, she started pulling my arms down and climbing on top of me to keep me from getting out of the tub. I said kindly but firmly that I was getting out, now. She said okay and went back to playing with her toys.

I went into the living room to get on the computer and sat down with it. I called her name to make sure she was okay and she said, "You never let me do anything!" I laughed, heartily, and updated my status on Facebook about that. She was okay, and hilarious to top it off!

But there is a deeper meaning to that for me. Is it true? I don't think so. I am actually quite permissive with her. She is allowed to do basically anything, so long as we don't have somewhere to go immediately and is not hurting anyone.

However, it also made me think about the type of mother I would like to be for her in the future.

• Yes, I will be the mom who, when she gets home from school, will fix her a snack and then she will do homework, and will finish it before anything else. 
• She will play outside, rather than sitting inside and watching TV. 
• I will let her do some things she asks to do, and certain things she will have to provide a reason for- well thought out and truly logical. I want her to learn how to think critically. I think that is what so many people are missing these days- critical thinking. 
• When she develops a passion for something, I will push her in it, but not too much. I don't want her to hate me, but I want her to learn to go for her dreams. Sometimes, you just need that extra shove. 
• I want her to be able to talk to me, although at 16, I know that will be hard for her. She will talk to her friends instead. That's okay with me, so long as she picks good friends, rather than has bad influences. 
• I will be the mother who, if she gets in trouble, will pull her out and put her in a more restrictive school, one that won't let her get away with as much. That was good for me. 
• I will switch up my ideals, if she shows that she needs something different from me. 

More than anything, I want to be an active leader for her. I want to be the mom who is so often missing these days. 

My second attempt to do college right

I have my bachelors already.

So why on EARTH would I want another one? Why would I not try to get my masters- or something of the sort? What am I thinking?

Well, here is the deal. I feel like my first attempt at college, I got off easy. I didn't really even hardly try, and I graduated with a 3.4842 Career GPA. Okay, so maybe right now I am tooting my own horn. This is entirely possible. But, it goes deeper than that. 

To be honest, I have not had to try for MUCH in my life. I have been LAZY and people have thought I was working hard. I was BORED at Midway.

My major was Equine Business (you know, feed stores, tack stores, transportation companies, etc.), which, to be honest, seemed like kind of an afterthought. It was as if they looked at all of their classes and said, HEY! We could make a major out of this! Let's confuse the crap out of people, though, and NOT make any classes that combine the two.

Looking back, this would have been oh so easy. But, this could not be done- for whatever reason. I think that, partially, the equine staff was FAR overworked. I cannot blame them- but I do blame the administration whole heatedly.

Also, I realized my final semester- during my internship- that I never wanted anything whatsoever to do with sitting in an office staring at a computer screen. That future is not for me. It works beautifully for some people, and some people can tolerate it. Not me. I have to constantly be moving to be happy.

So, after spending the last year staring at a computer screen, wanting to break it by pounding my head into it, I decided to just go for it. Go back to school, do what I really WANT to do. So, I will graduate in May 2014 with a second bachelor's in Equine Business Management (Yes, different. This is actually hands on. Managing actual HORSES rather than inventory) and an associate in Equestrian Studies, emphasis in Western Riding. I doubt if I will go to graduation, I more just wanted the courses, to get a deeper view into the equine industry. I feel like I have begun to get that.

So, what am I going to do with my life?

What a loaded question!

1. I want to train a horse of some variety. Could be anything from reiners to dressage horses, perhaps pleasure horses or barrel racers. Heck, maybe I'll get back into jumping, or into endurance riding. I have several people who I could spend a few years working for, to learn the ropes. Maybe on the side I could get into equine transportation or something of the like. OR become a doula!

2. I am very passionate about natural child birth and breastfeeding. I do believe that both are the best options for baby, after thoroughly doing my research and seeing the results of doing it vs. not doing it. So, I figure, why not at some point, become a doula, and possibly eventually a midwife. Perhaps I could even do some lactation counseling as well.

3. Back to the horses! I would love to breed them one of these days. Probably, I would try to preserve GOOD quarter horses by doing this. I wouldn't do it so much to make money.

4. I would love to own a campground. It just seems so darn peaceful, that helping people enjoy themselves thing.

5. Back to the horses, once again. I would love to rescue horses- specifically, horses from the track- or any other under par type conditions. You know, the ones who might otherwise take a one- way ticket with the kill buyer.

6. And I would love to start a equine therapy program- preferably for drug and/or alcohol addicted youth- and I may not stop with youth! I believe that it would be beautiful to give back to the 12- step program that saved my life.

7. I want to write. I love it. There is something that is therapeutic and calming about it. Perhaps I would write novels, or maybe just pieces for equine and parenting magazines.

So....where on earth do I start?!?!?!?

Well, I am going back to college so that I can do what I did not the first time, to LEARN how to survive in my industry, what can make me indisposable.

People in my riding classes treat me like shit. Not the instructors- they are pretty cool. But basically everyone else is rude and condescending. Sometimes, I let it get me down, but for the most part, I am 23- and there to learn. Nothing else. So if you are in my riding class, are rude to me, and are reading this, know that. I am not there to impress you, and what I do is not your business. I am there to learn.

I do not take my ego with me around horses. I learned not to do that the hard way. I don't feel a need to run them into the ground to prove that I can. I am there to learn from world class instructors- and I do! Man, the freshman class at Findlay is ten times harder than the entire riding curriculum at Midway. I say that because it is the truth, not to hurt anyone's feelings. I LOVE it!

So, on I will go!

And I will leave the reader with this:

"And will you succeed?
You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"
~ Dr. Seuss